“Greatness lives on the edge of destruction.” – Will Smith
I’ve spent the better half of the past two weeks letting a gaggle of thoughts run circles in my head. I’ve panicked, resurfaced, cried, and panicked again – all because I’ve been second-guessing the decision to leave my job. I was reassured a bit yesterday as I drove past my former employer and got that familiar knot in my stomach again, the one that used to result in daily bouts of nausea before my first cup of coffee. If just the sight of the place can recall such unpleasant feelings, then surely the anxiety I’m feeling about the job search that has proved less than fruitful to date is trivial in comparison.
It wasn’t until today, though, that I finally felt validated in my decision as my husband and I indulged in pizza and casual conversation over lunch. We’re both creative souls who feel a bit lost and restless, and actually have been for some time. I suppose we’ve had these lingering feelings of frustration for as long as we’ve been together, but there’s always been something to drown them out: our engagement, our wedding, our friend’s wedding. But that chapter is now coming to a close, leaving our dissatisfaction illuminated by a light that has too clearly exposed the mediocrity in which we’ve allowed ourselves to settle and, more displeasingly, accept as our reality.
Perhaps the blame is entirely ours for enduring something without actively seeking an alternate route. But it wasn’t until this afternoon that we both realized our frame of mind was molded so narrowly that we’d never even considered there was any other way. And so we’ve decided to look outside our comfort zone, both figuratively and literally, and take back our lives. For too long we’ve behaved as though all we need to do is live out the rest of our days going from paycheck to paycheck, punching in and out, letting the clock run its course as we complain about our surroundings. That, however, is not a life.
I’m not going to pretend I’m not absolutely terrified and still running circles around what my next step will be. But I’m also not going to deny that this is the most free and creative I’ve ever felt. For the first time in a long time, I feel like anything is possible. And I am finally excited to see what’s next, rather than worrying about what I’ve left behind. It may not be a conventional school of thought, but I will warn that there are times when stability can be a curse. So, here’s to uncertainty…and the numerous possibilities it brings with it.
P.S. Yes, I did just quote Will Smith. What of it?